The Friendly Stranger

 Last week I visited my mother who has Alzheimer’s and it was the first time she didn’t recognize me. Fortunately, I knew what to do because my mother taught me years ago in the stories that she told of her mother who had dementia and my father’s mother who had Alzheimer’s. She taught me that if they don’t remember you as the important person that you are to them, then it’s okay to be the friendly stranger they just met. It doesn’t matter if they remember all the life you shared with them because you remember for the both of you. The goal is to enjoy the now with them as they are able instead of fretting over what’s been lost or worrying about what the future holds. 

There I was being the friendly stranger watching TV with her occasionally making a remark about what we were watching. And on some level, as we chatted and I helped her situate her wheelchair, I feel like even if she didn’t know me, us just being there together chatting and me helping her felt vaguely familiar to her. When I hugged her as I left, she said goodbye to me in the way she always said it to me. Maybe there was a spark of recognition that broke through the veil of her condition somewhere in that hug.

As I thought about the visit later, I realized that in the same way that her condition limits her ability to know me or to care for herself, my human condition limits my ability to truly know God and, even if I think I can, I really can’t live apart from his grace and providence. I wonder if what I perceive now as knowing God is really just the spiritual version of a very important loved one presenting himself in a manner that my condition can accept. Someday, that veil will be lifted and there will be nothing hindering my understanding of or experiencing the joy of being God’s Presence. I think I’m going to find that it will be more intimate, amazing, and overwhelming than I could imagine or comprehend in my current condition. Still there will probably be something that feels vaguely familiar about it too. For now, I’m just going to enjoy spending time with God as I am able.

The Realest Prayer I Prayed All Week

 The bible tells us to pray without ceasing. In my effort to fulfill that expectation, each morning, even before I get out of bed, I thank God for another day of life, air to breathe, his grace and peace. As I go through my morning routine, I thank God for the modern conveniences that make my life so easy like reliable electricity and clean water that comes to me via indoor plumbing. I thank him for the food in my kitchen, a relatively safe, quiet place to call home, a good job to go to and a decent car that will get me where I need to be. I thank God for family and friends and ask him to watch over them and make his presence known in their lives. I ask him to bless my employers and coworkers and to help me be a good employee and coworker that day. By the time I walk out the door to go to work, I have spent a little over an hour recognizing the many blessings God has graced me with and I am filled with the joy of gratitude. At the end of the day, as I climb into bed, I thank the Lord for getting me through another day. I ask his forgiveness for the many ways I fell short and for his protection through the night. I’ve also instituted prayer triggers that help me remember to pray through the day. When I hear a siren, I pray for the first responders and those they are rushing to aid. When I find myself in a line at the store, I take the opportunity to pray either for the people around me or challenges I’m currently facing. The problem with this prayer routine is that too often repeating the same prayer day after day, I feel like I am talking at God more than talking with God. 

This past week we had a winter storm that made for some unsafe driving. I was driving up a very snow-covered hill sliding all over and not sure I was going to make it to the top where a right turn leads to level ground again when a truck turned the corner coming down the hill. The moment I saw the truck I panicked because I had just as much chance of hitting the truck as missing it and my immediate reaction was a prayer, “O God, I need your help.” It was the realest prayer I’ve prayed in a while. Later at home, I became disappointed in myself that more of my prayer time isn’t as genuine as that simple plea in that moment of need was. But now I’ve come to realize that the only reason I was able to utter that earnest prayer so automatically in that crucial moment is because of the habit of routine prayer I’ve established. So yes, in my regular prayer time I will be trying to talk with God more than at him but either way I will continue because it is what makes prayer when I need it my first reaction. In case you were wondering, I didn’t hit the truck and I made it to the top of the hill okay. Thank you, Jesus!

The Hope in Our Daily Struggle

My Daily Struggle
I want to want You most, Lord,
but rarely ever do.
I want to be obsessed
with only thoughts of You
and of Your kingdom.
I want to be consumed with
an unquenchable desire
to sit and listen at Your feet.
Not with the things of this world:
the shiny gold trinkets and tech devices.
I want to want to binge
on You and Your grace alone
instead of the latest tv shows
or the chocolate that stuffs my face.
I want to wake singing Your praises,
seeking Your presence in prayer.
But each morning finds me distracted
and my heart falls farther away
into my own comfort
and the planning of my day.
I want to be unsatisfied until I feast upon Your Word.
But time slips away and I’m out the door
while a little more dust covers my bible
and the treasures that it stores.
I want to want the spiritual fervor
that others think they see in me.
I want to be moved beyond compassion
to live and love in holy empathy.
I want to be driven every minute
by Your Spirit who resides in me,
whom my laziness has taught me to ignore.
I don’t want to want what I wanting
rather it’s You I want to most adore.

The problem with a daily struggle is the endless monotonous continuity of it all. It never goes away no matter how strong, motivated or victorious we may be in this moment, the struggle still remains undaunted waiting for a single moment of weakness to exploit. Such is our struggle with sin. Paul gives us a glimpse into his own struggle when he says, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (Rom 7:15) This esteemed example of Christianity struggled with sin every minute of every day just like us and maybe more importantly, like us, sometimes he failed. Too often we imagine that the historical saints of our faith figured it all out and, in the end, led perfect sinless lives, but they didn’t. They were people just like us who needed Jesus just as much in the end of their lives as they did in the beginning. Paul’s example and constant assertion that Jesus has the final victory in our struggle with sin, whether or not we succeed in the struggle today, gives us hope.

Grateful for Things I Usually Take for Granted

 In this first week of the new year I find myself facing an age-old problem. A month ago I had a very bad cold that triggered my asthma and I’ve been coughing, wheezing, and short of breath ever since. We just can’t seem to get it under control yet. As a child, I had asthma attacks twice a year with my first one happening when I was a baby. I didn’t completely grow out of it but I’ve learned to avoid or limit exposure to my allergens and other triggers and actually haven’t had a full-on attack like this in 10 years.

As I look back at this past week, it would be easy to be discouraged and I admit there is a very tiny part of that which I am keeping firmly under wraps. Instead, I chose to ask myself and dwell on where I saw God in it all. As a solitary extreme introvert, I am amazed by the sheer number of people in my life who have reached out to see if I need anything and who are praying for my well-being. It is both overwhelming and humbling. It’s a good reminder to me of the kind of person I want to be to those around me. I also have a greater appreciation this week for air to breath and the modern conveniences that connect me with the outside world from my sickbed. I am grateful for medical staff whose compassion and expertise are aiding me through it and for modern medicine that makes this life-threatening condition a little less threatening. I am truly grateful to God for these many blessings. Maybe a little more grateful than I’ve been in a while.

I hope I get better soon and when I do I don't want to forget again how grateful I should be to God for the things I usually take for granted like breathing or being able to walk up the stairs without stopping halfway up to catch my breath or taking out the garbage without using a rescue inhaler or the ability to go to work or sing in church. God is not stingy with his blessings. Every moment and activity is a gift from God and I've been a little too reserved in my gratitude. My life is filled and overflowing with God's blessings if I look for them from the viewpoint of not having them. A friend once asked me: If you wake up today only with what you thanked God for yesterday, what would you have? It's so easy to overlook these everyday ordinary constant blessings in my life and while I hate being this sick, it has helped make me keenly aware again of how blessed I am.